In order to save writing checks, the Monkey went online to request whatever was required to set-up a monthly automatic bank draft. J.P. Morgan Chase Bank responded that the appropriate forms and instructions would be sent within a week.
When they arrived, the accompanying instructions included the following:
“Enclosed are two copies of our ACH (i.e. automatic bank draft) agreement. After reviewing the agreement, please complete and sign both copies and return one copy of the signed agreement to us, along with a voided check. You should retain the second copy of the agreement for your records.” After reading these instructions, the Monkey searched for the two copies of the agreement, and discovered that these two copies of the attached form were printed on opposite sides of the same sheet of paper. Actually following the Chase bank instructions was impossible, and required major modifications. The following letter was attached with the form returned to Chase Bank:
Chase Bank Instructions
Hi Chase:
I received your ACH setup application and instructions as requested. Your instructions specified that you had enclosed two copies of your ACH agreement, and indeed you had. Unfortunately, both copies of the ACH agreement were printed on alternate sides of the same sheet of paper.
Your instructions suggested that I complete and sign both applications and retain one copy for my own records. I struggled with this suggestion for a short period of time, and finally gave up on your instructions.
I trust my altered instructions are OK. I completed only one side of the two forms, signed that side, scanned a third copy of that completed side for my own records, and am returning both copies of the original form to you for your review and approval. You will notice that only one side of the two forms is completed, as I could not figure out how to detach one side of the form from the other side with the same form.
In this revised process it was necessary to have a fully functioning computer, scanner, and printer. Your mailing saved you one sheet of 8.5 by 11 paper. It cost me the same sheet of paper, but I did manage to save two signatures through this revision. Our signatures are, unfortunately, only copies, but I assure you that the original signatures on your two forms are now in your possession. I saw little need in signing both copies you submitted to me initially.
By the time you receive this, I will have posted these altered instructions on http://monkeytales.net for other Chase customers to follow when they receive two copies of your form as I did. The posting will be found under both the “Evil Chase Monkeys” and the “Uncategorized” category. Thanks for sending the great stimulus material.
Sincerely yours,
@#$^%$&&*^%TY^%$
The Monkey
Posted 2 years, 7 months ago. 1 comment
Computer centers have known and dealt with ’bugs’ for many years, and go to great lengths to control their damage. When Sufferin College officials were told bed bugs were being transmitted to their center’s users, the common response was “you’ve got to be kidding!” This started a new chapter in exactly what it means to be a Sufferin student.
Sufferin students and facullty alike started boning up on the life and times of bed bugs. When Sufferin students are the hosts, correcting the problem becomes a magnificent who-done-it. The center itself had to be thoroughly sanitized of these largely nocturnal vampires. As bed bugs are reportedly capable of living between meals (blood) for up to a year, any furnishings in the center which might harbor these evil monkeys has to be destroyed.
The center was closed for sanitation. All stuffed and upholstered furniture was removed and burned. As staff, students, and bed bugs all cavort on the floor, the carpets were removed and destroyed. What remained in the center was thoroughly sanitized. The bugs’ habitat was now cleared of such vermin at one moment in time.
The rest of the problem, the who-done-it portion, is far more complicated. As any warm blooded creature is a potential carrier, all people, cats, dogs, or four-legged night crawlers could re-infect the center. Little could be done about student users. Four legged creatures are rarely admitted to the center. The center’s employees, however, required a careful screening to validate their pristeen nature as regular inhabitants of the Sufferin Center.
Through employing the State Department of Health, the center’s employees were thoroughly screened for telltale signs and symptoms of complicity. Through this process and through checking Sufferin gossip, one of the center’s employees rose head and shoulders above all the rest as a potential carrier.
Even the irregular visitors to the center would do a double-take on encountering Ms. Modeen Jones-Grunch, who had worked at the center for some time. Modeen fit the old hippie stereotype to a T. From a distance her hair half-way down her back matched her flea market wardrobe perfectly. The absence of any trace of makeup and plain appearance completed her first impression.
Up close and personal added several features that tipped the scales beyond belief. Modeen did not believe in deodorant, and when upwind from any observer one could readily envision the Sufferin landfill. At this point, her hyphenated name and basic competence as an employee were incapable of overcoming the aura she created. Modeen’s clients at the Sufferin Center often learned what they needed to know within a few minutes, and several excused themselves to go to the restroom, and failed to return.
Whether she showed evidence of bite marks or old scars is not generally known, as health records are confidential. What is known at Sufferin College at present is that Modeen seemed to disappear from the Sufferin Computer Center.
Word on the street is that the State Department’s discoveries were sufficient to advise Modeen to discontinue reporting to work, and to focus all of her effort on sanitizing herself and her place of residence. Through consultation with Sufferin officials, it was suggested that Modeen not be allowed to return to work, or anywhere else on the Sufferin campus until she can produce an appropriate “Certificate of Health” by the State Health Department.
To avoid a possible repeat of this new bug in the computer center, Sufferin officials elected to replace the carpets with tile, and all the over-stuffed chairs and couches where students and faculty lounge were replaced by hard surface furniture. For several weeks now, Ms. Modeen Jones-Grunch has not been seen on the Sufferin College campus.
Posted 2 years, 7 months ago. Add a comment
